These are some entries that I wrote in High School. I had them previously posted on a different blog, but in an effort to consolidate, I have moved them here.
Wednesday night I surprised her when I called her. It was hard to get her number; I don’t have a directory so I had to call two people before it could get her house number. But it turned out her parents are divorced and I had called her mom’s house number when I needed her dad’s. I got there eventually though and we talked for an hour and a half. I wanted to get to know her. I always thought she had a nice body. I just wanted to get to know her. So we talked and I asked if she was able to stay out later than her curfew if she was going to a movie on Friday. She said she would be. She laughed when I said I had just broken up with my last girlfriend the night before. I don’t know why she laughed; I wasn’t asking her out on a date yet.
Thursday night when I called her I asked her out on a date. We were going to the movies and she wanted to go to dinner too, but I don’t have that kind of money so I was hesitant. She noticed and said she would make me dinner at her house before the movie. We agreed on what to eat and we agreed on what to see. Then we just talked. I asked her if I could put my arm around her and cuddle, she said okay. I asked her if I could kiss her, she said maybe. I asked her if she liked me, she said hadn’t she just been talking to me for an hour? I asked if she was excited for tomorrow night, she said yes. I was excited too. She always had a nice body.
Friday night I wanted to go to a party. Those are more fun than going on that date with her, even if she does have a nice body. But I invited her to go with me. She was scared; she didn’t want to go. She has never been to a party. She was irritated that I wasn’t going to the movie with her anymore. I was scared she was angry with me. I never called her back. I never texted her back. I just went to the party. And the party was good, but I was too scared to call her back.
Saturday morning I called her. She wasn’t mad at me. She said she forgave me. And even though everyone around her wanted to kill me for “standing her up” as she put it, even though I don’t think I stood her up, she agreed that we could watch a movie over at her house and make dinner over at her house that night.
Saturday night I went to her house and we ended up ordering pizza because she had used up the food for our dinner the night before with her family. We had to go to Blockbuster to get a movie because she had watched all the ones at her house already. So we watched a movie. And I wanted to kiss her but she wouldn’t let me at first. Finally she gave in and I kissed her and it was incredible, nobody has kissed me like that in a long time. My other kisses had become routine and methodical, without passion. But she wouldn’t let me go farther than that, even though I wanted it. Her body is so nice.
After the movie, went upstairs and played ping pong and X-Box. And I won at ping pong the second and third time but I didn’t really like playing X-Box because she could beat me, even though I didn’t want to admit that was why. I asked her why she liked me and she said she didn’t know. She said she didn’t know. She said she needed to get to know me more before she could. She said we had only really been talking for a couple days. I told her to get to know me, she said she is. I asked her what her favorite thing about me is and she said she liked my smile, because its real, its authentic, I didn’t get it.
Monday afternoon I saw her at school and felt butterflies and motion sickness as she walked up to me. But then we didn’t know what to say, and we didn’t know what to do when I had to leave for baseball. She wanted me to come back so she could give me a hug or something, but I was already late and had to leave. We don’t work at school and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe this isn’t going to work. She doesn’t party after all either.
Tuesday morning I saw her in the parking lot before school and she walked up to me, there were less butterflies this time. But she walked up and hugged me and we kissed briefly. I don’t know if this is going to work, but I couldn’t tell her in person, I was too scared. So I pretended like nothing was wrong.
First period I sent her a message asking if she thought we would work. She said yeah, she didn’t know why it wouldn’t. Then she sent one asking if I thought it would work. I told her I didn’t know. I needed my space. And she doesn’t party and its weird at school. She was angry she thought it would work. She thought it was my fault that it wasn’t the way that I wanted it. She didn’t understand. She thought that I was being sudden. But I’m not. I need space. It’s my senior year and I don’t want to be tied down. I told her we could still date just not be in a relationship. She didn’t like that idea; it was all or nothing with her. I told her we could still just be friends then but she was upset and she told me not to do this, I don’t know what she was talking about, I wasn’t doing anything I just need my space. I like her I just don’t want to be tied down I want my freedom. I don’t want to be tied down. She shouldn’t be pissed anyway because she just ended a relationship too and she should know where I’m coming from. It’s stupid if she is pissed. She is being unreasonable. I still like her I just don’t want to be tied down. Plus, she has a really nice body.
He ruined it. He took it and made it and formed it from scratch. Then he ruined it. It wasn’t made well. The first time he tried he failed. But he tried a second time and it seemed better. Much better. It was the best she had seen in a long time. She couldn’t remember the last time that she had seen one so good. But then, without warning, he ruined it.
Maybe it was her fault for thinking that he would be able to make the second one better. Maybe when the first one failed she should have listened to her family when they said she shouldn’t give him a second chance. But she thought one would be okay. She thought one wouldn’t be bad. He took it and he made it and he made her forget about the first one. Then he ruined it.
And it was good. It was beautiful. It was perfect. And when she thought about it she let it get inside her and it took over her and it made her good. And it made her beautiful. And it made her perfect. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen one so good. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so good. He made it from scratch and she could stare at it for hours.
“Why do you like it?”
“I don’t know”
“What’s your favorite part of it?”
“The center, the center is full of energy and determination and passion.”
That is what she saw. That is what he had made. A creation full of passion and energy. Of determination and desire. She saw it and she wanted it. But she couldn’t give everything that it wanted back. It wanted more, she was scared and nervous, there was maybe too much passion and too much energy. Maybe too much determination and too much desire. But she was trying her hardest. She shouldn’t have had to be perfect for it. It should have melded the two of them together and made both side’s rough edges smooth and round.
“Why do you like it?”
“I like it because it’s real”
“Real? What do you mean?”
“It’s true, I can see it in the center, I can see its not fake, its there, its genuine”
She was entranced. She couldn’t look away if she wanted. She saw it in her dreams, she yearned to look at it in between days she couldn’t visit it, and she hated leaving it. When she was with it she wanted to touch it, kiss it, stare at it and be just be with it. And she thought that at the center it was full of passion and energy and determination and desire. And she forgot about the first one. But then he ruined it.
And he did it quick. And he did it without warning. It was still good the morning that he ruined it. It was still beautiful the hour before he ruined it. It was still perfect the minutes before he ruined it. Or, she thought it was. She didn’t see that the passion wasn’t real, she didn’t see the energy was missing. She didn’t see the lack of determination and desire at its center. All she saw was what he had made the second time. What had been her world for the last 5 days. What she had dreamt about and what had made her world sunnier. But he ruined it.
She was confused at first, then she begged him not to. Then she begged again for him not to ruin it. Then he ruined it. And there was nothing she could do or say to stop him.
“Don’t be angry, that would be stupid”
“I’m not an angry person, I’m just sad, guess it’s not so perfect after all”
“Not perfect, it’s not what we thought it was, its not full of everything we thought it was.”
“That’s why I ruined it”
She was sad, she thought that it was her fault he ruined it. She thought he had found something in her that he didn’t like and he had ruined it for that. She thought he had found something better in someone else and had needed to ruin them so that he could find it in this new person. She thought he had ruined it because he didn’t understand. She thought he ruined it because she didn’t understand. She thought it, “it is ruined, there is not going back to the way that it was”.
She thought that it was her fault for believing what he had said and not listening to her family. She was stubborn and didn’t want to tell them for fear that they would say they were right all along. And she didn’t know what to learn from the situation. She said that it was different from most. But she should have known since he failed at the first one. She felt stupid, she felt that she caused all of this to herself. That she should have learned from the first one. But she didn’t want to learn and so she decided that this meant nothing it didn’t mean that the third one would be worse it didn’t mean that other people’s attempts would fail it didn’t mean any of that.
It meant that it was full of passion and energy and determination and desire but it couldn’t stay on the ground. It needed to fly and he ruined it knowing that it couldn’t stay any longer in its little cage. It needed to fly it needed to be free and not tied down.
And she worked on forgetting the second one, no matter how good, beautiful or perfect it was. But she kept the passion, the energy, the determination and the desire inside her. They were part of her now, they were her. And she woke up the next morning shining from her center.
I once had an English teacher who taught our class about archetypes. She said that we have different archetypes: there are the teachers, the learners, the tricksters, the children, the pioneers, the mothers and even the heroes and the prophets. And then there are the lovers. Those people who you see in the hallways at school who hug everyone and touch their arms when they are talking to them and smile. The lovers. They are the people who care greatly for seemingly everybody. When I heard her description of these people, I hoped that this was how people would see me; I thought it would be an amazing title. It would fit perfectly with my romanticized view of the world. A magical world where people were not fulfilled in life if they did not find love or if their Prince Charming did not come and sweep them off their feet. Maybe it was because of all the books I had read about the dramatic journeys people took just so they could be with their loves. Or maybe it was all the singers on the radio that sang about their broken hearts and endless devotion. Most likely, it was just my girlish dreams of finding my Prince Charming.
Then there he was, Prince Charming himself. He took me to Mission Impossible II for our first date. And after a time I had fallen in love. It was real love. Not the kind of love where you really want to be in love so you convince yourself you are or where someone loves cookies. It was just an undeniable feeling for him. We were together for a year. And then I broke up with him. We were going different directions, and neither of us was willing to compromise what we believed.
My life changed after that. I had always thought that your heart would be wrenched from your body and torn to pieces when you lost someone you loved. I had thought that your heart would never heal and the pieces would never fit together again. I had thought that you would be less of a person, maybe only half. But I was wrong. It was, instead, my romanticized view of the world that was wrenched out and smashed, the pieces never to fit back together again. What I found when we broke up was that I did not feel like only half a person. I realized I am who I am not because of him but because that’s who I want to be. It took me awhile, but I recognized that I needed to learn to love myself and not depend on his love to make me feel confident.
Maybe people don’t look at me as I walk down the hallway and think that I am a perfect example of the lover archetype, but that’s OK with me now. I like who I am, in fact, I love it! Falling in love is still important and Prince Charming is still waiting for me, but for now, I don’t need him to come and rescue me from anything, especially not from myself.
Sometimes I’m so busy it feels like I am holding my breath. When I run around at top speed all day long, its hard to remember to appreciate little things. But I do my best to notice them because they are the most important parts of life.
It isn’t the fact that I teach Sunday school that matters, it’s the little hugs, the big smiles and the often very confusing pictures I get from my students. With my friends it’s the conversations that we have and how they feel comfortable coming to me when they are scared or worried. Its how they can call me in the middle of the night and know that I don’t mind waking up to talk to them. It how happy they are when I call them throughout the week to tell them that I think they are amazing and how much I care about them or just to see how they are doing. Its how my brother says “thank you” after I drop him off at his friend’s house.
There are simple things in life that nobody should miss. Things like the sun and the blue sky, and the different colors on a petal of a rose. Even as I am running around feeling like I am holding my breath, I take time to slow down, even if just for a second, and I look up at the sky, I’ll watch the sunset, I’ll count the dots on a ladybug. Things that should not be taken for granted. Things that need to be apprieciated. Bigger things than that too, like your neighbors all crowding around the new mailbox that they just built and watching them feel like they are on top of the world for doing such a fine job. Details like how a wife and husband ride their bikes down the road. This wife leads, proudly sitting up straight and looking foreword. While her husband, follows leisurely, slouching a little bit but smiling as he smokes his cigar and looks about himself as he rides.
The sound of laughter floating down the hallway at school, the high fives friends give each other when they pass. The smiles that break across people’s faces when they see their significant other. The “oomphs” made when someone receives a really good hug. How beautiful a girl feels when you give her a compliment, how proud a boy feels when you tell him you thought he played well last night. The surprise in the voice of your friend when you give her a gift for no reason.
These small moments in life are easily forgotten or missed. And yes, I do have a lot of big activities going on in my life, but if I didn’t open my eyes to see these simple moments, I would be missing out on a world of beauty and joy.